Letting Someone Down

I've got to let someone down today. It's in my work universe -- I am missing a deadline. I do not normally do that. At the least, I renegotiate it ahead of time rather than just appearing empty-handed.

It feels painful and humiliating. And, most of all, it's scary. I am afraid of what they will say, how angry they will be.

But, I also know that I am being and will be taken care of by God. He never gives me more than I can handle. No matter what happens, I can take it. And, I do not have to retreat into a drink. I've had setbacks before and will again.

Some people chuckle when they hear the quote by Nietzsche: "That which does not kill me only makes me stronger." But I find it hopeful. It means that in almost every case -- I can handle it. God is making sure of that.

I See Myself

I ran across a post by Angry Sober Dude:

I realize that I have built my life up so I am unapproachable.

You can’t question my sobriety because in most cases I have a lot more time than you (19yrs). You can’t question my responsibility because I earn enough to own my own home, two new cars, my wife stays at home, we eat out all the time, vacations every summer. You can’t question my spirituality because I read the Big Book, Step Book, go to church and pray every morning and night. Etc.

I think you get the point.

Wow, I see myself in that (change the numbers, but still).

So . . . I need to change. Where shall I start?

Perhaps by sticking out my hand at a meeting.

Tough To Get Moving

Man, it's tough to get moving in this new year. I feel like only now am I hitting my stride.

I know that one large reason is that I did not go to enough meetings over the holidays. I was traveling -- but did not do my homework and find the meetings ahead of time. While I did not drink (and never felt tempted), I emerged from that period VERY squirrely.

It was not untiil this past weekend, when I got back to my regular meeting schedule, that I felt OK.

Now I am trying to pick up the pieces.

Pain vs. Discomfort

It struck me at a meeting over the weekend that there's a big difference between "pain" and "discomfort" (just as there is a big difference between "pain" and "tragedy").

For me, I know that most of the time when I think I am in pain it is really just discomfort, something to ride out.

The trick is to remind myself in the moment rather than be in "pain" and only realize it wasn't so bad in retrospect.

I guess at least the realization is growth.

"It's Been Said"

I have been keeping quiet in meetings lately. I go through phases of this -- whenever I get to thinking that people really need to hear what I have to say, I find the best thing to do is to clam up. In other words, to cut against my desires and inclinations.

Sometimes, even in the meeting itself, I will suddenly realize that the way of spiritual progress lies with silence (for me), not with sharing my oh-so-wise views. I'll raise my hand to speak, and then by the time I am called on I realize that I really have nothing that important to say.

Often, I will just say, "It's been said," and pass.

While I am at the meeting for my sobriety and no one else's, the meeting itself does not have to be all about me!

Switching Off The TV

I've been following the new HBO series, True Blood, which is about society after vampires have "come out of the closet" and announced that they do, in fact, exist. I think I'm going to have to turn it off now.

I did not start watching because I like vampires or anything; I just am drawn to "life on the dark side" sorts of things. After watching three or four episodes, I have decided that it is just too dangerous for me to keep on watching. The series glamorizes a pervasive hyper-sexuality and depravity -- all but two of the characters are downright evil, and the most interesting characters appear to be the most evil. The show delights in giving little glimpses into the daily life of the vampires and these glimpses are really no more nor less than visions of a junky's life. They sit around in darkened homes, floating from pleasure to pleasure, though the enjoyment has long since been drained out of such acts. Desultory sex, compulsive desires for forbidden substances (blood), and a radical nihilism rule the nights.

I've got no business hanging around in this world.

Tomorrow Is An Important Day

I know we really only have TODAY, this twenty four hours, and that's all I have to stay sober for. But, if I make it through today wiithout taking a drink, then tomorrow I will have been sober for fifteen years.

I don't normally mention how long I have been sober in meetings because it really is just a day-at-a-time thing. Plus, I remember when I was a newcomer 1 and 5 years seemed cool and something to shoot for -- longer than that just felt alien!

Also, I wanted to check my motives in saying how long I had been sober -- I did not want to make such statements out of pride or out of a need for approval (or to impress).

But this time, I have been telling folks in meetings because more recently I decided that it is always useful to know what's possible. But I still feel a vague sense that it is being prideful. All I have really done is lasted twenty four hours, but repeatedly.

I must never forget that sobriety is a gift, not an exercise regimen. A daily reprieve. And a reprieve basically means the Governor says, "No, we won't kill you today. But we might tomorrow."

Sobering thoughts, I guess!